i_amthecosmos (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
i_amthecosmos) wrote2011-10-06 12:45 pm
i_amthecosmos) wrote2011-10-06 12:45 pm
Entry tags:
We Dance To the Sound of Sirens, Chapter Thirty-Six
Title: We Dance To the Sound of Sirens, Chapter Thirty-Six
Fandom: Adam Lambert
Pairing: Adam/Tommy
Rating: R
Author:i_amthecosmos
Word Count: 6,905
Warnings: Talk of past dub-con.
Disclaimer: I made this up and I do not know the real people portrayed in this fan fiction. I make no profit off this. Please do not Twitter it to any of the people represented as fictional in this work. Thanks.
Notes: I’m whumping Tommy again. I am so sorry. Thanks to everyone who reads this. I'll get the banner up later, I promise. I'll also start mirroring everything here once lj stops being a bitch.
The next day passed in a haze, Tommy too weirded out by the fact that it would all be over by tonight. Nearly everybody seemed to feel the same way. On one extreme was Megan, who couldn’t hold still and kept bouncing through the halls. On the other end, Kris spent most of drama class staring straight ahead, looking terrified. Tommy couldn’t blame him-by the end of the day he wasn’t sure he’d turned in any assignments or not.
As for Adam, he seemed to be almost invisible to Tommy-he was there physically, but he had reverted back to not talking. It wasn’t just to Tommy, but to everyone, and his nervousness was so bad that Alisan actually commented on it. “He’s not normally like this,” she whispered to Tommy, who nodded and though Nothing about this has been normal
Tommy was worried for Adam, but also for himself. The show was distracting, but what really made him useless what the constant wonder. What’s going to happen after? Are we going to talk? Does Adam still want to? Tommy couldn’t help himself-getting ready for the show might have kept him from going crazy or giving in to Adam too soon, but it was time for that to end, al-goddamn-ready.
He went home only to change clothes and get a bowl of Paul’s soup.“Okay, thanks,” Tommy said, and tried to hide how glad he was that anybody wanted to see him at all. “Hey,” he said. “Did you call my Oma? I know I told them when I went to dinner at her house, but…” Lisa hugged him again and then Tommy was heading to the car, not sure why he didn’t call her himself. He randomly remembered the first theater practice and how he had walked there, his Walkman on and his hand infected and throbbing. Things had changed a lot in two months. That made him think of Adam again, and how much last night had given him hope and twisted his heart at the same time. This is gonna end, he thought. And then…you can get back to what’s important.
Fuck, he hoped that was true. He hoped things would turn out well.
Everyone else was filing in about the time he was, about an hour before the show was set to start. Brad and the other dancers were putting on stage makeup. Megan had her frilly costume on and Anoop his ridiculous suit, and Megan was being loud and goofy. Tommy decided to go into quiet part of backstage and recite his lines to himself. He tried to remember what his staging was, where he was supposed to be. Fuck, I’m gonna forget everything and look like an asshole, he thought, groaning. Just then he felt a tap on his shoulder.
“Don’t over-rehearse,” Kris said, smiling at him. “You’ll just choke. Come on over with me and we can play a little and clear our heads. You’ll remember everything when you get up there. I’ve heard you do it, don’t worry.” Tommy sighed with relief when Kris got his guitar and they sat in the wings for a while. Kris let him play around with his guitar while he sang snippets of songs After a few minutes Tommy felt calmer.
“Hey,” Kris said, taking his guitar back and tuning it a little. “I didn’t expect to see you so nervous. Is it about-“ Tommy didn’t wait for the rest of the question.
“A little bit-I can’t believe I’m gonna hit a stage and not be wasted, you know?” He looked at Kris’s expression and he knew that wasn’t what he meant. “Oh. Yeah, that too. I mean, of course.” Tommy didn’t want to mention how much this show was helping him not think about Adam while at the same time not allowing him to get away from him. “Mostly, I just want this to be over.” Tommy sighed. “Lisa and her family said they’re coming. That’s pretty cool.” Tommy was scrounging through Paul’s old jacket for a candy bar he’d stashed when Kris answered him.
“Aren’t they your family by now?” Tommy went totally still, the words stuck in his throat. After a second Tommy ripped open the wrapper on his Zero bar and shoved a piece in his mouth. Kris stayed quiet, waiting for him to answer. Tommy was glad Kris had gotten over reflexively apologizing to him all the goddamn time.
“I don’t believe in family,” he said, standing up and leaving Kris on the floor.”At least not for me. If you enjoy yours, that’s great. But I wouldn’t insult Paul and Lisa by calling them that.” He handed Kris the Zero bar. “You want the rest?” Kris shook his head, looking worried, and leaned forward a little. “Yeah?” he said, wondering what Kris had to say about it.
“Tommy...you call their house your home. How can you say they’re not family?” Tommy didn’t know how to answer that, he looked at Kris, who looked back at him without judgment. You never called your parent’s house yours, he thought. If Paul’s house is yours, then doesn’t that make them-he had to stop there. He wasn’t there yet, he couldn’t even call them that in his mind. He just shrugged and Kris sighed a little, the corner of his mouth turned up. “Maybe one day, that’ll change for you,” and then Kris put his head down. “I should stop talking about your family.”
“Maybe”, Tommy said. “But I’ll let this one slide.” Tommy nearly ran his hand through his hair, but stopped. Even though he was wearing a cap, he didn’t want to mess it up too much. “It’s gonna-I don’t really expect you to get it,” and Kris looked up. “I mean, you weren’t there. You don’t know what it was like...” He stopped, because he was starting to get upset. He hated talking about this in therapy, much less with Kris. “Um, I’m going over here, bye.” He walked over to where Taylor was and handed him the other half of the Zero bar. Taylor had a hell of a sweet tooth.
It was another five minutes before Tommy realized that he hadn’t seen Adam anywhere. He looked around the backstage, in the costume closet, everywhere. No Adam. “Hey,” he said to Alisan when she passed him. “Where’s Adam? He’s here right?” The surprised look on Alisan’s face told him what he needed to know. “Shit. Did anyone see him drive up? Does he come late, what?”
“I don’t know, normally he’s here before anyone else.” Alisan looked like she was gonna panic, so Tommy put a hand on her arm, trying to calm her. “You don’t think…”
“No, I don’t think he ran,” Tommy said. But just her mentioning it made him worry. “I’ll look for him some more, okay? Don’t worry, I can find him.” Fuck I hope so. He left before she asked him anything else.
Tommy wandered around the whole backstage area until he stopped in front of the bathroom. It was the same skanky one his dumb ass used when he cut his thumb open. It was where him and Adam had been alone the first time. This might be it. He opened the door.
He found Adam bent over a toilet, retching. Tommy was inside the stall with him and had a hand on his back before he even thought about doing it. “Adam. Easy Adam, it’s okay, it’s okay.” He crouched down on the floor with him, sliding the hand to the back of his neck. “It’s okay baby, I got you. I’m right here.”
“Y-yeah,” Adam whispered, then he puked again. Tommy winced-it sounded really bad. “Fuck Tommy,” he panted, and he could feel how bad Adam was sweating. “I’m going to screw up my song.” He laughed then, and it didn’t sound very funny. Tommy bit his lip, trying not to scare Adam by getting upset. “I didn’t mean to, but I ran in here and it was hard to stop,” Adam said, and that sent a chill through Tommy. Oh shit.
“Did you…Adam,” Tommy whispered. He didn’t know how to ask Adam if he’d made himself throw up. He knew Adam would let him ask, but he still couldn’t do it. “I’m sorry,” he said instead. “I’m so sorry.” He rested his head on Adam’s shoulder blades. “Do you need to go home?”
“N-no,” Adam said, and then spit into the toilet. “I’m okay, really. I think it’s just worry, I tried not to…I’m sorry.” Adam started to breathe deep shuddering breaths, and Tommy could feel him shake. “I’ll be okay, I can sing. It’s okay.’ Adam started to stand up, and Tommy helped him. Adam flushed the toilet and they left the stall, Adam weaving a little. “I’m sorry,” he said again.
“Don’t apologize,” Tommy said. “Just stay here a minute, and I’ll get you a Coke. Okay?” Adam nodded and leaned against a wall. Tommy left the bathroom even though he really didn’t want to leave Adam for a second. He ran to get a Coke from the cooler Anoop had brought, and then ran back.
Adam was braced against the sink, staring at his reflection when Tommy came in. He looked at Tommy without turning his head, just watching him in the mirror. Adam’s eyes were red and he was flushed, but he took the Coke Tommy handed him and drank it slowly. “Thank you,” he said. He turned around and kept sipping it. “Tommy,” he said quietly. “You’re…you’re acting like my boyfriend again.”
Tommy felt his heart hit his toes. “I still think that I am,” he said. Adam looked at him and Tommy kept going. “If you want me to be, I am. And I know I hurt you, but we can fix it, we just have to-“
“I know. I just-I don’t know what to do anymore,” Adam said. “I’m afraid to talk to you, I’m afraid to touch you. I tried to talk to you last night, but I’m scared. I don’t know if what I’m doing is wrong or not. You’ve told me so many times-but I don’t know what to do. I feel so fucking alone.” Adam looked at him, and it made Tommy hurt to see him look so lost. “But you…it’s like if you see me hurt, it turns a switch on. You haven’t changed that.” Tommy’s mouth dropped open as Adam kept going, standing up straighter, eyes focused on him. “I have to watch what I do, because I can’t push you on sex, and I can’t push you to talk to me about things until you’re ready. And you say that I’m a brat.”
“I didn’t-“ Tommy started, but Adam cut him off.
“And that nobody lets me feel the consequences of what I do. And maybe that’s true. But you came in here…and you started taking care of me. Right away, you didn’t even ask if I wanted the help. You just did it.” Tommy closed his eyes, not wanting to look at Adam right then. He wondered if this was how Adam felt when he’d yelled at him, if he felt like Tommy was using his way of showing love against him. Tommy flinched when he felt Adam’s hand on his neck, and opened his eyes.
“But I’m still glad you did,” Adam said, and Tommy breathed out. “I’m glad you found me.” Tommy couldn’t speak, he couldn’t’ even look at his boyfriend right then. Adam moved his hand up to Tommy’s hair, stroking it and making Tommy feel warm inside. “Maybe it’s not that bad,” Adam whispered. “I don’t know, but maybe…we can still be good. I hope so.”
Tommy wanted to keep talking, but there was a knock on the door then, and Anoop’s voice came through. “Hey, if you’re not in costume, it’s time to get in it. We’re almost there. You guys okay?” Adam looked at Tommy, and leaned in. Tommy expected a kiss, but instead Adam just leaned down until their foreheads were touching. Tommy touched Adam’s hair, stroking it. Then Adam straightened back up just as Anoop said “Guys?”
“We’ll be right there,” Tommy said, and he hoped Anoop didn’t hear the shake in his voice.
Tommy didn’t see Adam again until he was in his costume-a white suit with purple trim. It was awful, but they didn’t have a lot of choices in costumes sometimes. Tommy stood in the wings as the auditorium filled up. Ms. Abdul was running around, trying to see if everyone was ready. Tommy could hear the hum of the crowd as they filled in and couldn’t wait for all this shit to finally be done. You still gotta do good though. Don’t fuck it up for everyone else. Tommy took a deep breath. And considering some of the shit you’ve done onstage, it’s hard to believe this is a factor now.
Alisan came by then and rubbed his back. “You’ll do great,” she said. Tommy shrugged. She looked behind her, in the direction that Adam was. “He doesn’t want to talk to anyone. Is he okay?” Tommy couldn’t tell her what they had talked about, because it was between the two of them. He looked over at her-she was in her costume with her hair curled, and Tommy thought she looked amazing.
“You’re gonna be awesome,” he said, and kissed her cheek. Tommy moved away from the wings then, and wandered around the back. He nearly bumped into Brad there. “Hey,” he said. Brad nodded and kept stretching. “Hey Brad-“ Tommy started and Brad cut him off with a hand.
“Tommy, will you please let it go? You don’t need to worry about me, and it was my fault that Adam knows. I forgot to look behind me before I mentioned that he accidently broke my heart. You don’t have a thing to be sorry for. I told you before, this is my problem.” Brad reached behind him and grabbed his leg with both hands, stretching it toward his head. Tommy watched him stretch for a minute, and Brad dropped his leg gracefully. “What?”
“You’re an amazing dancer,” Tommy said. “And good luck.” He saw Brad’s expression change from confused to mildly pleased as he walked away. He could hear the crowd noise increase as everyone got settled, and he heard the applause as Ms. Abdul went up front to introduce the review. Everyone seemed to gather in the same spot in the wings, Megan right up against his arm, as the lights dimmed.
Tommy didn’t catch much of Paula’s intro, but there was a lot of talk about how innovative and creative the students were and how hard they’d worked. It was pretty touching , but Tommy wasn’t even sure how much she’d paid attention to their acts the past couple of weeks, so he took it with a grain of salt. It was still nice of her. A stray memory flashed in his brain then, about the time a local band member introduced one of his shitty acts by mooning the audience, and Megan raised an eyebrow when he giggled. “Don’t make me laugh Tommy! We’re on now!” And then Anoop took her hand, and they walked onstage after Paula’s introduction arm in arm.
Tommy watched in a kind of awe as everyone went ahead of him. Kris’s “Moon River” sounded amazing, the dancers did a great job, and Alisan nearly tore the house down. Everything that had looked corny and ridiculous when he had first joined was now changed. The power of the performances plus Tommy’s feelings toward the group that were now his friends combined to make almost all of it seem awesome. In comparison Tommy was beginning to feel really fucking stupid. He was going to break up all this energy with a fucking monologue? Fuck that, why was he even here?
But then, it was his turn. Alisan hugged him quick before he got onstage. He had on his boots and overalls that his character Loth wore. He was doing a scene from Before Dawn, and playing a shit-disturbing union organizer at the turn of the century. He took a deep breath, and started his piece. “My father was a boilermaster...” He felt himself slip into character, and he forgot about being nervous. He didn’t worry about hitting his marks, but just moved with it naturally. He couldn’t see where anyone was in the audience-the lights too bright and the people too far-but he played to where he thought his Oma might be, or Lisa, or Paul. He felt himself sink more into character as Loth described being a boy and watching a man die from chemical poisoning in the yard close to the company houses.
“And when one knows things of the kind that I know them now, one can find no rest,” he said as his monologue came to a close. He understood that line so much-that was why he wanted that monologue so much. As he finished, he got a fair amount of applause and heard Lisa whoop from somewhere nearby. He grinned and tipped his cap as the curtain came down.
When he moved to the side stage, Tommy’s legs were wobbling so much that he just sort of collapsed onto Alisan. She hugged him back, and he grinned. “Was I okay?” he said, and she just grinned at him. “Good.” He still thought he’d brought the energy of the crowd down, but what the fuck. It wasn’t really his fault, he just shoulda gone first.
Megan looked at him, confused. “But you’ve played all those gigs, crazy ones. Why was this hard…oh.” Anoop had nudged her shoulder, and Tommy could see that she got it. He hugged her next, but part of him was wondering where Adam was. It was time for him to go on, Paula was making the introduction right then. Tommy looked at Kris and he nodded, ducking around the corner to look for Adam. Just then Adam walked up. “Hi,” he said in his quietest voice, and then he went onstage just as Paula left.
When he got there, Adam stared at the audience like he’d never done this before, and Tommy could see how worried he was. He felt his stomach tense up, and he thought If he blows it, I’ll be the one puking my guts out next. But then the music started and Adam began to sing. “Once I had a secret love…” And Tommy was dumbstruck.
Adam was right-his voice wasn’t as pure, a little rough from him throwing up. But the emotion he put in it was even stronger than all the other times. It was like everything they had lived through over the past two months came pouring out. All the love, all the fear, all the insecurity-it all got expressed through the song. Tommy had to close his eyes again-it was too much. It hurt to listen to it, but at the same time it was amazing. It brought him back to the first time he heard it, and how it had captivated him He felt someone grab his hand, and when he opened his eyes everyone was clutching each other and watching Adam, riveted. Brad was watching the stage, and his expression was affectionate but not longing. Taylor was next to him and seemed frozen in play in awe. Then Adam started to wrap it up and he put his eyes the fuck back on the stage.
Tommy watched as Adam went for the last lines. “At last, my hearts an open door, and my secret love’s”-and here Adam nearly whispered, setting up the next part. “No secret…anymore,” Adam’s voice soared into something like a scream. Tommy had never heard that ending before, and suddenly he flashbacked to Adam’s constant Prince cassette tapes. Holy SHIT, baby, he thought, and then jumped as the room seemed to explode.
The audience was on their feet, cheering and stomping. Everyone around Tommy was freaking out, Megan squeezing him so hard he thought she’d break him in half. Adam beamed, and it was the happiest Tommy had seen him in a week. For brief second all the sadness and pain were gone, and Tommy felt the same happiness. It’ll be okay, it really will. It’s going to be fine. He hoped his inner voice wasn’t lying.
When Adam got off the stage, everyone tried to congratulate him, but he just walked past, looking exhausted. When Paula called them all back to take a bow, Tommy saw Anoop have to take Adam’s arm and damn near shove him towards the stage. They all did their bow, and then everyone filed backstage while Adam just walked to the dressing room alone, already taking off his tie.
Alisan broke the silence first. “Should we…?” Everyone looked at him, of course, and Tommy wasn’t sure he was the best person to ask. After a second, Alisan said “Maybe we should wait.” Tommy couldn’t argue with that.
When Adam came out a few minutes later, he was wearing old sweatpants and a Prince concert shirt worn soft from washings. He came out and sat alone, and everyone else filed into the dressing area, leaving him. When Tommy got his Loth outfit off, he immediately went to where Adam still was. He didn’t even look up when Tommy sat next to him, but he nodded a little. “Hey,” Tommy said.
“Hey,” Adam echoed. “I’m really not ready to go out there and be congratulated by everyone. I can’t handle it right now.” He looked over at Tommy. “You were really good. I’m proud of you. I know that was probably hard.” Tommy nodded then, and Adam smiled, just for a second and then it was gone.
“Tommy…”he started, then looked away. “Will you come home with me? Will you come to my house? We need to talk, and you can spend the night on the couch if you want. We’ve done it before, it’ll be okay.” Adam squeezed his hands together enough to turn his knuckles white. “I just want to talk,” he said again, voice quiet. Tommy stood up.
“Of course,” he said, and Adam smiled at him, blinking as his eyes threatened to spill over. “You know I’d say yes. I want us to talk. Go talk to your dad, and I’ll tell Paul. I don’t think they’ll mind.” Adam smiled again, and his hand grazed over Tommy’s shoulder as he walked toward the front of the auditorium.
Tommy waited ten minutes, long after most of the others had gone to find their parents, and then he walked out to the front as well. The crowd had thinned out a little, but not a lot. He could see Adam, still getting fawned over even though he had tried to avoid it. Tommy’s eyes swept over the crowd and he hated himself for it immediately. His mother wasn’t there, he had no idea he was even in anything as wholesome as a fucking review. She probably wasn’t coming home for Thanksgiving, and he shouldn’t even be thinking…
“Tommy,” he just had a second to process it and then his Oma was on one side of him and Lisa on the other. “You were very good, very good. I liked your acting,” Brigette said, petting his hair. “And I don’t think I would want to see your other shows.” Tommy and Lisa laughed, and Tommy forgot the seconds he’d spent looking for what might as well have been a ghost.
After about an hour, Adam and Tommy were in Eber’s car. It took a while because everybody had to keep telling Adam he was awesome, and everyone in drama had to come up for hugs, and even Michael the jock came up and pounded a hug into Tommy’s back before him and Lisa went over to talk about something. Huh, Tommy thought, but he didn’t really have time to think about it. Also, his Oma was alternately fussing at Tommy for not making a bigger deal out of his part and trying to insist he come home with her right then for an after show supper. Tommy finally managed to get her to put it off until tomorrow.
Paul and Eber didn’t have to argue about it too much though, so as soon as they could get away, Paul was getting Tommy an overnight bag from the house. And Adam…was in the back seat right next to him. Adam was a little sweaty from the show, but he smelled good, like stage powder, and Tommy wanted to curl into him.
None of them said much in the car. Eber told them they had both done well and left it at that. Tommy looked over at Adam for something like the tenth time before they turned onto Adam’s street. Adam met his eyes and Tommy tried to smile.
Neil met them at the door. “Are you two going to be retards again? You’re gonna kiss and make up, right? Adam walked past Neil without looking at him, and Neil turned to him. “Right? Everything’s going to be okay?” Tommy looked down at Neil and was struck by his look-he was almost pleading.
“I-don’t know. We’re gonna talk and maybe that’ll help. It’s just hard.” Tommy didn’t know how to tell the kid that maybe him and Adam were just imcompatible or had met too early or a half-dozen other things, but it was too late. Neil had ran to the back room. Tommy heard the door to the basement stairs slam and he started to follow, but he could still here Neil’s voice as he yelled at his mom.
“Why is it hard? Why can’t they just fix it? I’ve seen them they don’t-they don’t hate each other! They like each other! I don’t understand.” Tommy stood on the top of the stairs of the basement and listened as Leila and Eber tried to calm Neil down. “No! I’m never going to have a girlfriend, this is fucked up!” When Tommy heard Neil run upstairs to his room, he made his legs work and went down to where Adam was. The stairs separated the garage from Eber’s basement room, and he remembered the time they snuck by him when they left that night. Now Adam was sitting hunched over on the couch, and Tommy honestly didn’t know if he should sit by him or not. “Hey,” he said quietly.
“Hey,” Adam said, and he looked over at him. “Come here.” Tommy came over and tried to sit further away, but Adam looked at him and scooted closer, taking Tommy’s hand in his. “You like this, you said you liked it when I held your hand.” Tommy nodded, eyes on their intertwined fingers. “Okay. You need to start. Tell me whatever you think I need to know.” Adam stroked squeezed his hand. “Tell me what I can do to make it okay.”
Tommy looked up at Adam’s face and suddenly he had no idea what to say. It was on him now, he couldn’t deflect the subject back to Adam. He had to tell his boyfriend stuff he should have said from the beginning. Tommy closed his eyes. “I’m glad you asked me to take the AIDS test. Me and Cassidy still haven’t gone, but we’re going to. And before I tell you this, I love you and I don’t want to hurt you.” Adam’s eyes widened and Tommy breathed out.
“I was thirteen when I started sneaking out, you know. Before I made any friends in the punk scene I would ride my bike for miles to get to a show or a party. There were a lot of creeps, but I could avoid them on the streets. But they were at the clubs too, and the theaters, and I had to be so careful.” Tommy took a deep breath. “I did good-nobody got me, but I felt the way you feel at the Center. So I’m sorry for not being more understanding. I guess I’ve already been through the worst.”
“Oh,” Adam said. “Oh good, I was afraid you were going to say-“
“I’m not done,” Tommy said. “None of the creepy older guys got me, but I was fourteen when I had sex with a girl. Or, she had sex with me.” Adam looked confused as Tommy struggled to explain. “It was this seventeen year old chick-Cassie-and we were at a Fear show. She dragged me into the bathroom and kissed me. And I was so happy, because I was thinking ‘yay, my first kiss and it’s at a show!’ But we kept going and she pushed me on the floor and got on top. So yeah, first time was on the floor of a fucking filthy bathroom at a punk club. How fucking nice and romantic, right?” Tommy took a shaky breath. “I liked it, but it still kinda pissed me off. I didn’t have any control and from then on every time I fucked a girl I had to be in control. That was my game.”
Adam whispered then. “Oh my god, she hurt you. I’m so sorry.” He went to hug Tommy and he went stiff. “Tommy?”
“She didn’t hurt me!” Tommy didn’t know why he got so defensive, but he did. “It wasn’t my idea, but I wasn’t hurt. She made it fun, I wanted to be there, but it wasn’t what I expected. And then she left me there, on the floor.” Adam bit his lip, but it didn’t stop the tears in his eyes. “You leaving hurt me a lot, but I told you that. It’s just bad memories. It seemed like everybody I fucked couldn’t wait to get rid of me-except for a few.” Tommy thought about the girl who had loved him-a shy, dark haired girl who was bulimic. A girl that he had cared about, but he had never known how to show it to her. She was long gone now, and he was never going to tell Adam how much she had in common with him.
“I know what it sounds like,” Tommy said, “But I don’t…I know what you think. No, no.” Tommy’s voice shook as he said it. “I told Cassidy, he was angry. Not at me.” Tommy could never think if it that way, because even at fourteen he was a wiry little shit and he could have pushed her off. But there was more to it than that, and Cassidy knew it. Tommy flashed back then to his fourteen year old self, and how much he’d wanted to be liked. Fucking a girl in the bathroom had been cool, so he’d gone with it. It had helped his reputation, made him look badass. Tommy remembered feeling proud at the time, but the memory made him feel hollow now.
“Of course he wasn’t-Cassidy loves you,” Adam said. “He really wants you to be okay. I do too. That’s not everything, is it?” Tommy shook his head. “Tell me. I mean, tell me what you can. I don’t want to push you. I’ve never wanted to.” Tommy nodded, because this was true. As much as it pissed him off that Adam didn’t ask many questions, Tommy knew sometimes it was just out of concern. But Adam never understood that Tommy wanted the freedom to be honest more than he wanted Adam to act safe around him. Tommy took a deep breath and kept going.
“First time with a guy-well, you were kinda my first, if we’re talking anal, but…” Tommy shut his mouth so hard his jaw clicked, he was rambling. “I was at a punk house for a while with a bunch of kids, and a band came through, we put them up. We got so fucking wasted, and after a while it was just me and the guitarist awake. We wound up giving each other blowjobs. I told him I didn’t want to swallow ‘cause I was scared, and he wanted us to. He didn’t want anyone to know. But eventually we did it and just cleaned up instead of swallowing. Then I passed out.” Tommy didn’t mind telling this story, it hurt a lot less. “Then they were gone when I woke up. I didn’t mind because he had to leave. Cassie didn’t have to leave me on that floor.”
Adam looked at him, and he looked so scared that Tommy steeled himself for Adam to walk out. Instead, Adam untwined their fingers and stroked lightly over his arm. “Did you-did you love any guys? And I’m so sorry, I didn’t know.”
“I didn’t, but...I don’t understand sometimes why I didn’t love Brent.” Tommy bit at his thumbnail. “I think he might have loved me back. None of the rest of those assholes would have.” Tommy looked at him. “I don’t know why I started with this. I mean, how come I’m not telling you about seeing my dad getting handcuffed in their living room, or how I only had a birthday because my Oma made sure I did. Or-“ Tommy had to force this out. “Tonight, at the play, I was actually looking for my goddamn mother! Why didn’t I start with any of that?”
Adam hugged him close and Tommy felt himself relax, the same reaction he had every time Adam’s body was against his. Adam rubbed his back as Tommy gasped into Adam’s shirt, glad for the soft material to his face in. Adam kept rubbing a circle on his back for a long minute, then he pulled back to look at Tommy.
“Maybe it’s because we have trouble with sex. And trust. They’re kinda mixed in with each other.” Adam brushed under Tommy’s eyes with his thumb, and Tommy let him. “I mean, in some ways we trust each other more than anybody, but sometimes…” Adam trailed off. “Can I tell you something, or do you need to say more?”
“I can wait,” Tommy said, voice hoarse. “Go ahead.” He wasn’t upset, he was glad that Adam was still with him. He wasn’t sure if he deserved it right then-he felt dirty, regretting nearly every time he got his dick in someone, and he was sure Adam would be disgusted too. But instead, Adam was the one looking ashamed.
“When that cop saw me with Brad,” Adam started, not looking at him. “He said I was ugly and nobody would love me. And that’s when things got bad-I already hated how I looked, but then it started to get out of control.” Tommy clenched his jaw to keep from offering comfort right away, he kept his mouth shut while Adam kept talking. “And I really believed him, I didn’t think anyone would ever love me, that I was too disgusting. And then…I never thought you and me would happen. Never.” Adam smiled for just a minute, and then the smile dropped off his face.
“I don’t know how to explain it-yes I do. I can, I just don’t want to admit…” Adam took a deep breath and looked down. “When I’m with you, it’s one of the only times I feel even a little bit good about my body. Or about me-I can only feel okay onstage or alone with you. Even with other people who know us, sometimes I feel like they think I just got lucky.”
“Adam,” Tommy said. “Your friends fuckin’ adore you. I thought they were going to kick my ass when I started with you, but they didn’t. They love you. They think I got lucky, trust me there.” Tommy petted Adams red-gold hair and Adam leaned into it. “You only feel good with me? But you still won’t be naked with me.”
“I know that’s what you want,” Adam said, as he moved his gaze from the couch back to Tommy. “And I want it too, and maybe I’ll be able to soon. But…I feel good making you feel good. I feel good when you let me hold you down and make you come. Fuck, it’s not much different than you wanting to control girls. I’m so sorry.” Tommy kept petting Adam’s hair as his shoulders shook.
“No. No, I don’t think it’s the same. You love me,” Tommy had to get ready for the next part. “But you do use me,” he said quietly, and Adam jumped. “I’m sorry, but I can tell when you want to fuck just to make yourself feel better, and when you’re really with me. And I hate it, I wish I couldn’t tell the different and just let you be. I mean, if that’s what you need…” Tommy almost gave it all away right then. He would let Adam continue to hurt him if it made him feel stronger. He couldn’t help it. He was anything Adam wanted him to be, just because he loved him.
Except he couldn’t do it, because Tommy knew if he did soon there would be nothing left of him for Adam to love.
“Just, please,” Tommy said. “I need you to really be with me. Okay? That’s why I freaked on you. I just felt alone in that bed, even before you left.” Tommy hugged Adam to him. “I’m so sorry. Fuck. Why are we apologizing for telling the truth?”
“I don’t know, it’s just hard,” Adam said. “And I try to trust you, I try to trust you with everything and I just drag you down.” Adam held him harder and they sat there, rocking each other for a while. After a minute, Adam whispered “I was angry at you today, because I felt like I’m always asked to change and you’re not.”
“I know,” Tommy said. “And yeah, it’s not fair. I have to stop running to help you. Can I ask what happened? Why were you puking?” Adam laughed a little, and Tommy kissed his temple. “It’s okay.”
“It’s kind of funny to me,” he said. “I binged, but it was less than half what I could eat a month ago. My body’s changed. I ate too much during the day when I thought nobody was looking, and that last Carl Jr.’s got me.” Adam gave another hollow laugh and Tommy squeezed him tighter. “I’m okay though,” Adam said. “I was nervous too-about the performance, and about doing it with you. It went a lot better than I thought. It just hurts to see you when I think we can’t touch now.” Adam paused and Tommy kissed his cheek. “Um, I’m horny now. I am every time I’m with you, I think.”
Tommy pulled back and kissed Adam, biting into his lip. “I am too. It’s the same with me.” Tommy kissed him again and pulled back, Adam chasing his mouth. “I just told you all these horrible things about what happened to me, and I still just want to be with you. I mean…you don’t hate me for them. I know you don’t.” Tommy could feel part of him think right?, but he knew the answer.
“Can’t,” Adam said. “And I love you.” Adam kissed him again, and held him. “I want you,” Adam whispered into his hair. “But I’m not gonna pressure you. And anyway, the whole family’s upstairs now. Dad’s probably listening.” Tommy was about to say that he doubted that when they heard a voice clearing at the top of the stairs. “Fuck,” Adam said, “That’s the second night in a row.”
They got up, Adam cursing under his breath, and Adam stomped upstairs past his dad before Eber could ask questions. Tommy just sat on the bottom of the stairs. “Hi,” he said. “Can I have a minute before I come up?”
“Um, sure” Eber said. “Are you all right?” Tommy nodded at him, smiling just a little. “I mean, did anything-“
“I think I’m okay, actually.” Tommy said. “Thanks for letting me stay over tonight. That’s really nice.” Eber paused at the top of the stairs, then smiled at him before stepping back, letting the door to the stairs close. Tommy wiped his eyes and waited a few minutes. He had trusted Adam again, and it had worked. Adam still loved him, and things were the best they’d been in a week.
Tommy looked up when he saw the stairway door open again. It was Adam He’d changed his shirt and washed his face so it didn’t look like they’d been crying. “Hey. Are you ready to come up? Paul just came into the driveway with your stuff. Mom’s got dinner on, we can all eat. I…wanna sit at the table. At least for a few minutes, okay?” Tommy listened to that and thought about how brave Adam was.
“Yeah, I’m coming up now,” he said, and started climbing the stairs, towards Adam’s smile.
Fandom: Adam Lambert
Pairing: Adam/Tommy
Rating: R
Author:
i_amthecosmosWord Count: 6,905
Warnings: Talk of past dub-con.
Disclaimer: I made this up and I do not know the real people portrayed in this fan fiction. I make no profit off this. Please do not Twitter it to any of the people represented as fictional in this work. Thanks.
Notes: I’m whumping Tommy again. I am so sorry. Thanks to everyone who reads this. I'll get the banner up later, I promise. I'll also start mirroring everything here once lj stops being a bitch.
The next day passed in a haze, Tommy too weirded out by the fact that it would all be over by tonight. Nearly everybody seemed to feel the same way. On one extreme was Megan, who couldn’t hold still and kept bouncing through the halls. On the other end, Kris spent most of drama class staring straight ahead, looking terrified. Tommy couldn’t blame him-by the end of the day he wasn’t sure he’d turned in any assignments or not.
As for Adam, he seemed to be almost invisible to Tommy-he was there physically, but he had reverted back to not talking. It wasn’t just to Tommy, but to everyone, and his nervousness was so bad that Alisan actually commented on it. “He’s not normally like this,” she whispered to Tommy, who nodded and though Nothing about this has been normal
Tommy was worried for Adam, but also for himself. The show was distracting, but what really made him useless what the constant wonder. What’s going to happen after? Are we going to talk? Does Adam still want to? Tommy couldn’t help himself-getting ready for the show might have kept him from going crazy or giving in to Adam too soon, but it was time for that to end, al-goddamn-ready.
He went home only to change clothes and get a bowl of Paul’s soup.“Okay, thanks,” Tommy said, and tried to hide how glad he was that anybody wanted to see him at all. “Hey,” he said. “Did you call my Oma? I know I told them when I went to dinner at her house, but…” Lisa hugged him again and then Tommy was heading to the car, not sure why he didn’t call her himself. He randomly remembered the first theater practice and how he had walked there, his Walkman on and his hand infected and throbbing. Things had changed a lot in two months. That made him think of Adam again, and how much last night had given him hope and twisted his heart at the same time. This is gonna end, he thought. And then…you can get back to what’s important.
Fuck, he hoped that was true. He hoped things would turn out well.
Everyone else was filing in about the time he was, about an hour before the show was set to start. Brad and the other dancers were putting on stage makeup. Megan had her frilly costume on and Anoop his ridiculous suit, and Megan was being loud and goofy. Tommy decided to go into quiet part of backstage and recite his lines to himself. He tried to remember what his staging was, where he was supposed to be. Fuck, I’m gonna forget everything and look like an asshole, he thought, groaning. Just then he felt a tap on his shoulder.
“Don’t over-rehearse,” Kris said, smiling at him. “You’ll just choke. Come on over with me and we can play a little and clear our heads. You’ll remember everything when you get up there. I’ve heard you do it, don’t worry.” Tommy sighed with relief when Kris got his guitar and they sat in the wings for a while. Kris let him play around with his guitar while he sang snippets of songs After a few minutes Tommy felt calmer.
“Hey,” Kris said, taking his guitar back and tuning it a little. “I didn’t expect to see you so nervous. Is it about-“ Tommy didn’t wait for the rest of the question.
“A little bit-I can’t believe I’m gonna hit a stage and not be wasted, you know?” He looked at Kris’s expression and he knew that wasn’t what he meant. “Oh. Yeah, that too. I mean, of course.” Tommy didn’t want to mention how much this show was helping him not think about Adam while at the same time not allowing him to get away from him. “Mostly, I just want this to be over.” Tommy sighed. “Lisa and her family said they’re coming. That’s pretty cool.” Tommy was scrounging through Paul’s old jacket for a candy bar he’d stashed when Kris answered him.
“Aren’t they your family by now?” Tommy went totally still, the words stuck in his throat. After a second Tommy ripped open the wrapper on his Zero bar and shoved a piece in his mouth. Kris stayed quiet, waiting for him to answer. Tommy was glad Kris had gotten over reflexively apologizing to him all the goddamn time.
“I don’t believe in family,” he said, standing up and leaving Kris on the floor.”At least not for me. If you enjoy yours, that’s great. But I wouldn’t insult Paul and Lisa by calling them that.” He handed Kris the Zero bar. “You want the rest?” Kris shook his head, looking worried, and leaned forward a little. “Yeah?” he said, wondering what Kris had to say about it.
“Tommy...you call their house your home. How can you say they’re not family?” Tommy didn’t know how to answer that, he looked at Kris, who looked back at him without judgment. You never called your parent’s house yours, he thought. If Paul’s house is yours, then doesn’t that make them-he had to stop there. He wasn’t there yet, he couldn’t even call them that in his mind. He just shrugged and Kris sighed a little, the corner of his mouth turned up. “Maybe one day, that’ll change for you,” and then Kris put his head down. “I should stop talking about your family.”
“Maybe”, Tommy said. “But I’ll let this one slide.” Tommy nearly ran his hand through his hair, but stopped. Even though he was wearing a cap, he didn’t want to mess it up too much. “It’s gonna-I don’t really expect you to get it,” and Kris looked up. “I mean, you weren’t there. You don’t know what it was like...” He stopped, because he was starting to get upset. He hated talking about this in therapy, much less with Kris. “Um, I’m going over here, bye.” He walked over to where Taylor was and handed him the other half of the Zero bar. Taylor had a hell of a sweet tooth.
It was another five minutes before Tommy realized that he hadn’t seen Adam anywhere. He looked around the backstage, in the costume closet, everywhere. No Adam. “Hey,” he said to Alisan when she passed him. “Where’s Adam? He’s here right?” The surprised look on Alisan’s face told him what he needed to know. “Shit. Did anyone see him drive up? Does he come late, what?”
“I don’t know, normally he’s here before anyone else.” Alisan looked like she was gonna panic, so Tommy put a hand on her arm, trying to calm her. “You don’t think…”
“No, I don’t think he ran,” Tommy said. But just her mentioning it made him worry. “I’ll look for him some more, okay? Don’t worry, I can find him.” Fuck I hope so. He left before she asked him anything else.
Tommy wandered around the whole backstage area until he stopped in front of the bathroom. It was the same skanky one his dumb ass used when he cut his thumb open. It was where him and Adam had been alone the first time. This might be it. He opened the door.
He found Adam bent over a toilet, retching. Tommy was inside the stall with him and had a hand on his back before he even thought about doing it. “Adam. Easy Adam, it’s okay, it’s okay.” He crouched down on the floor with him, sliding the hand to the back of his neck. “It’s okay baby, I got you. I’m right here.”
“Y-yeah,” Adam whispered, then he puked again. Tommy winced-it sounded really bad. “Fuck Tommy,” he panted, and he could feel how bad Adam was sweating. “I’m going to screw up my song.” He laughed then, and it didn’t sound very funny. Tommy bit his lip, trying not to scare Adam by getting upset. “I didn’t mean to, but I ran in here and it was hard to stop,” Adam said, and that sent a chill through Tommy. Oh shit.
“Did you…Adam,” Tommy whispered. He didn’t know how to ask Adam if he’d made himself throw up. He knew Adam would let him ask, but he still couldn’t do it. “I’m sorry,” he said instead. “I’m so sorry.” He rested his head on Adam’s shoulder blades. “Do you need to go home?”
“N-no,” Adam said, and then spit into the toilet. “I’m okay, really. I think it’s just worry, I tried not to…I’m sorry.” Adam started to breathe deep shuddering breaths, and Tommy could feel him shake. “I’ll be okay, I can sing. It’s okay.’ Adam started to stand up, and Tommy helped him. Adam flushed the toilet and they left the stall, Adam weaving a little. “I’m sorry,” he said again.
“Don’t apologize,” Tommy said. “Just stay here a minute, and I’ll get you a Coke. Okay?” Adam nodded and leaned against a wall. Tommy left the bathroom even though he really didn’t want to leave Adam for a second. He ran to get a Coke from the cooler Anoop had brought, and then ran back.
Adam was braced against the sink, staring at his reflection when Tommy came in. He looked at Tommy without turning his head, just watching him in the mirror. Adam’s eyes were red and he was flushed, but he took the Coke Tommy handed him and drank it slowly. “Thank you,” he said. He turned around and kept sipping it. “Tommy,” he said quietly. “You’re…you’re acting like my boyfriend again.”
Tommy felt his heart hit his toes. “I still think that I am,” he said. Adam looked at him and Tommy kept going. “If you want me to be, I am. And I know I hurt you, but we can fix it, we just have to-“
“I know. I just-I don’t know what to do anymore,” Adam said. “I’m afraid to talk to you, I’m afraid to touch you. I tried to talk to you last night, but I’m scared. I don’t know if what I’m doing is wrong or not. You’ve told me so many times-but I don’t know what to do. I feel so fucking alone.” Adam looked at him, and it made Tommy hurt to see him look so lost. “But you…it’s like if you see me hurt, it turns a switch on. You haven’t changed that.” Tommy’s mouth dropped open as Adam kept going, standing up straighter, eyes focused on him. “I have to watch what I do, because I can’t push you on sex, and I can’t push you to talk to me about things until you’re ready. And you say that I’m a brat.”
“I didn’t-“ Tommy started, but Adam cut him off.
“And that nobody lets me feel the consequences of what I do. And maybe that’s true. But you came in here…and you started taking care of me. Right away, you didn’t even ask if I wanted the help. You just did it.” Tommy closed his eyes, not wanting to look at Adam right then. He wondered if this was how Adam felt when he’d yelled at him, if he felt like Tommy was using his way of showing love against him. Tommy flinched when he felt Adam’s hand on his neck, and opened his eyes.
“But I’m still glad you did,” Adam said, and Tommy breathed out. “I’m glad you found me.” Tommy couldn’t speak, he couldn’t’ even look at his boyfriend right then. Adam moved his hand up to Tommy’s hair, stroking it and making Tommy feel warm inside. “Maybe it’s not that bad,” Adam whispered. “I don’t know, but maybe…we can still be good. I hope so.”
Tommy wanted to keep talking, but there was a knock on the door then, and Anoop’s voice came through. “Hey, if you’re not in costume, it’s time to get in it. We’re almost there. You guys okay?” Adam looked at Tommy, and leaned in. Tommy expected a kiss, but instead Adam just leaned down until their foreheads were touching. Tommy touched Adam’s hair, stroking it. Then Adam straightened back up just as Anoop said “Guys?”
“We’ll be right there,” Tommy said, and he hoped Anoop didn’t hear the shake in his voice.
Tommy didn’t see Adam again until he was in his costume-a white suit with purple trim. It was awful, but they didn’t have a lot of choices in costumes sometimes. Tommy stood in the wings as the auditorium filled up. Ms. Abdul was running around, trying to see if everyone was ready. Tommy could hear the hum of the crowd as they filled in and couldn’t wait for all this shit to finally be done. You still gotta do good though. Don’t fuck it up for everyone else. Tommy took a deep breath. And considering some of the shit you’ve done onstage, it’s hard to believe this is a factor now.
Alisan came by then and rubbed his back. “You’ll do great,” she said. Tommy shrugged. She looked behind her, in the direction that Adam was. “He doesn’t want to talk to anyone. Is he okay?” Tommy couldn’t tell her what they had talked about, because it was between the two of them. He looked over at her-she was in her costume with her hair curled, and Tommy thought she looked amazing.
“You’re gonna be awesome,” he said, and kissed her cheek. Tommy moved away from the wings then, and wandered around the back. He nearly bumped into Brad there. “Hey,” he said. Brad nodded and kept stretching. “Hey Brad-“ Tommy started and Brad cut him off with a hand.
“Tommy, will you please let it go? You don’t need to worry about me, and it was my fault that Adam knows. I forgot to look behind me before I mentioned that he accidently broke my heart. You don’t have a thing to be sorry for. I told you before, this is my problem.” Brad reached behind him and grabbed his leg with both hands, stretching it toward his head. Tommy watched him stretch for a minute, and Brad dropped his leg gracefully. “What?”
“You’re an amazing dancer,” Tommy said. “And good luck.” He saw Brad’s expression change from confused to mildly pleased as he walked away. He could hear the crowd noise increase as everyone got settled, and he heard the applause as Ms. Abdul went up front to introduce the review. Everyone seemed to gather in the same spot in the wings, Megan right up against his arm, as the lights dimmed.
Tommy didn’t catch much of Paula’s intro, but there was a lot of talk about how innovative and creative the students were and how hard they’d worked. It was pretty touching , but Tommy wasn’t even sure how much she’d paid attention to their acts the past couple of weeks, so he took it with a grain of salt. It was still nice of her. A stray memory flashed in his brain then, about the time a local band member introduced one of his shitty acts by mooning the audience, and Megan raised an eyebrow when he giggled. “Don’t make me laugh Tommy! We’re on now!” And then Anoop took her hand, and they walked onstage after Paula’s introduction arm in arm.
Tommy watched in a kind of awe as everyone went ahead of him. Kris’s “Moon River” sounded amazing, the dancers did a great job, and Alisan nearly tore the house down. Everything that had looked corny and ridiculous when he had first joined was now changed. The power of the performances plus Tommy’s feelings toward the group that were now his friends combined to make almost all of it seem awesome. In comparison Tommy was beginning to feel really fucking stupid. He was going to break up all this energy with a fucking monologue? Fuck that, why was he even here?
But then, it was his turn. Alisan hugged him quick before he got onstage. He had on his boots and overalls that his character Loth wore. He was doing a scene from Before Dawn, and playing a shit-disturbing union organizer at the turn of the century. He took a deep breath, and started his piece. “My father was a boilermaster...” He felt himself slip into character, and he forgot about being nervous. He didn’t worry about hitting his marks, but just moved with it naturally. He couldn’t see where anyone was in the audience-the lights too bright and the people too far-but he played to where he thought his Oma might be, or Lisa, or Paul. He felt himself sink more into character as Loth described being a boy and watching a man die from chemical poisoning in the yard close to the company houses.
“And when one knows things of the kind that I know them now, one can find no rest,” he said as his monologue came to a close. He understood that line so much-that was why he wanted that monologue so much. As he finished, he got a fair amount of applause and heard Lisa whoop from somewhere nearby. He grinned and tipped his cap as the curtain came down.
When he moved to the side stage, Tommy’s legs were wobbling so much that he just sort of collapsed onto Alisan. She hugged him back, and he grinned. “Was I okay?” he said, and she just grinned at him. “Good.” He still thought he’d brought the energy of the crowd down, but what the fuck. It wasn’t really his fault, he just shoulda gone first.
Megan looked at him, confused. “But you’ve played all those gigs, crazy ones. Why was this hard…oh.” Anoop had nudged her shoulder, and Tommy could see that she got it. He hugged her next, but part of him was wondering where Adam was. It was time for him to go on, Paula was making the introduction right then. Tommy looked at Kris and he nodded, ducking around the corner to look for Adam. Just then Adam walked up. “Hi,” he said in his quietest voice, and then he went onstage just as Paula left.
When he got there, Adam stared at the audience like he’d never done this before, and Tommy could see how worried he was. He felt his stomach tense up, and he thought If he blows it, I’ll be the one puking my guts out next. But then the music started and Adam began to sing. “Once I had a secret love…” And Tommy was dumbstruck.
Adam was right-his voice wasn’t as pure, a little rough from him throwing up. But the emotion he put in it was even stronger than all the other times. It was like everything they had lived through over the past two months came pouring out. All the love, all the fear, all the insecurity-it all got expressed through the song. Tommy had to close his eyes again-it was too much. It hurt to listen to it, but at the same time it was amazing. It brought him back to the first time he heard it, and how it had captivated him He felt someone grab his hand, and when he opened his eyes everyone was clutching each other and watching Adam, riveted. Brad was watching the stage, and his expression was affectionate but not longing. Taylor was next to him and seemed frozen in play in awe. Then Adam started to wrap it up and he put his eyes the fuck back on the stage.
Tommy watched as Adam went for the last lines. “At last, my hearts an open door, and my secret love’s”-and here Adam nearly whispered, setting up the next part. “No secret…anymore,” Adam’s voice soared into something like a scream. Tommy had never heard that ending before, and suddenly he flashbacked to Adam’s constant Prince cassette tapes. Holy SHIT, baby, he thought, and then jumped as the room seemed to explode.
The audience was on their feet, cheering and stomping. Everyone around Tommy was freaking out, Megan squeezing him so hard he thought she’d break him in half. Adam beamed, and it was the happiest Tommy had seen him in a week. For brief second all the sadness and pain were gone, and Tommy felt the same happiness. It’ll be okay, it really will. It’s going to be fine. He hoped his inner voice wasn’t lying.
When Adam got off the stage, everyone tried to congratulate him, but he just walked past, looking exhausted. When Paula called them all back to take a bow, Tommy saw Anoop have to take Adam’s arm and damn near shove him towards the stage. They all did their bow, and then everyone filed backstage while Adam just walked to the dressing room alone, already taking off his tie.
Alisan broke the silence first. “Should we…?” Everyone looked at him, of course, and Tommy wasn’t sure he was the best person to ask. After a second, Alisan said “Maybe we should wait.” Tommy couldn’t argue with that.
When Adam came out a few minutes later, he was wearing old sweatpants and a Prince concert shirt worn soft from washings. He came out and sat alone, and everyone else filed into the dressing area, leaving him. When Tommy got his Loth outfit off, he immediately went to where Adam still was. He didn’t even look up when Tommy sat next to him, but he nodded a little. “Hey,” Tommy said.
“Hey,” Adam echoed. “I’m really not ready to go out there and be congratulated by everyone. I can’t handle it right now.” He looked over at Tommy. “You were really good. I’m proud of you. I know that was probably hard.” Tommy nodded then, and Adam smiled, just for a second and then it was gone.
“Tommy…”he started, then looked away. “Will you come home with me? Will you come to my house? We need to talk, and you can spend the night on the couch if you want. We’ve done it before, it’ll be okay.” Adam squeezed his hands together enough to turn his knuckles white. “I just want to talk,” he said again, voice quiet. Tommy stood up.
“Of course,” he said, and Adam smiled at him, blinking as his eyes threatened to spill over. “You know I’d say yes. I want us to talk. Go talk to your dad, and I’ll tell Paul. I don’t think they’ll mind.” Adam smiled again, and his hand grazed over Tommy’s shoulder as he walked toward the front of the auditorium.
Tommy waited ten minutes, long after most of the others had gone to find their parents, and then he walked out to the front as well. The crowd had thinned out a little, but not a lot. He could see Adam, still getting fawned over even though he had tried to avoid it. Tommy’s eyes swept over the crowd and he hated himself for it immediately. His mother wasn’t there, he had no idea he was even in anything as wholesome as a fucking review. She probably wasn’t coming home for Thanksgiving, and he shouldn’t even be thinking…
“Tommy,” he just had a second to process it and then his Oma was on one side of him and Lisa on the other. “You were very good, very good. I liked your acting,” Brigette said, petting his hair. “And I don’t think I would want to see your other shows.” Tommy and Lisa laughed, and Tommy forgot the seconds he’d spent looking for what might as well have been a ghost.
After about an hour, Adam and Tommy were in Eber’s car. It took a while because everybody had to keep telling Adam he was awesome, and everyone in drama had to come up for hugs, and even Michael the jock came up and pounded a hug into Tommy’s back before him and Lisa went over to talk about something. Huh, Tommy thought, but he didn’t really have time to think about it. Also, his Oma was alternately fussing at Tommy for not making a bigger deal out of his part and trying to insist he come home with her right then for an after show supper. Tommy finally managed to get her to put it off until tomorrow.
Paul and Eber didn’t have to argue about it too much though, so as soon as they could get away, Paul was getting Tommy an overnight bag from the house. And Adam…was in the back seat right next to him. Adam was a little sweaty from the show, but he smelled good, like stage powder, and Tommy wanted to curl into him.
None of them said much in the car. Eber told them they had both done well and left it at that. Tommy looked over at Adam for something like the tenth time before they turned onto Adam’s street. Adam met his eyes and Tommy tried to smile.
Neil met them at the door. “Are you two going to be retards again? You’re gonna kiss and make up, right? Adam walked past Neil without looking at him, and Neil turned to him. “Right? Everything’s going to be okay?” Tommy looked down at Neil and was struck by his look-he was almost pleading.
“I-don’t know. We’re gonna talk and maybe that’ll help. It’s just hard.” Tommy didn’t know how to tell the kid that maybe him and Adam were just imcompatible or had met too early or a half-dozen other things, but it was too late. Neil had ran to the back room. Tommy heard the door to the basement stairs slam and he started to follow, but he could still here Neil’s voice as he yelled at his mom.
“Why is it hard? Why can’t they just fix it? I’ve seen them they don’t-they don’t hate each other! They like each other! I don’t understand.” Tommy stood on the top of the stairs of the basement and listened as Leila and Eber tried to calm Neil down. “No! I’m never going to have a girlfriend, this is fucked up!” When Tommy heard Neil run upstairs to his room, he made his legs work and went down to where Adam was. The stairs separated the garage from Eber’s basement room, and he remembered the time they snuck by him when they left that night. Now Adam was sitting hunched over on the couch, and Tommy honestly didn’t know if he should sit by him or not. “Hey,” he said quietly.
“Hey,” Adam said, and he looked over at him. “Come here.” Tommy came over and tried to sit further away, but Adam looked at him and scooted closer, taking Tommy’s hand in his. “You like this, you said you liked it when I held your hand.” Tommy nodded, eyes on their intertwined fingers. “Okay. You need to start. Tell me whatever you think I need to know.” Adam stroked squeezed his hand. “Tell me what I can do to make it okay.”
Tommy looked up at Adam’s face and suddenly he had no idea what to say. It was on him now, he couldn’t deflect the subject back to Adam. He had to tell his boyfriend stuff he should have said from the beginning. Tommy closed his eyes. “I’m glad you asked me to take the AIDS test. Me and Cassidy still haven’t gone, but we’re going to. And before I tell you this, I love you and I don’t want to hurt you.” Adam’s eyes widened and Tommy breathed out.
“I was thirteen when I started sneaking out, you know. Before I made any friends in the punk scene I would ride my bike for miles to get to a show or a party. There were a lot of creeps, but I could avoid them on the streets. But they were at the clubs too, and the theaters, and I had to be so careful.” Tommy took a deep breath. “I did good-nobody got me, but I felt the way you feel at the Center. So I’m sorry for not being more understanding. I guess I’ve already been through the worst.”
“Oh,” Adam said. “Oh good, I was afraid you were going to say-“
“I’m not done,” Tommy said. “None of the creepy older guys got me, but I was fourteen when I had sex with a girl. Or, she had sex with me.” Adam looked confused as Tommy struggled to explain. “It was this seventeen year old chick-Cassie-and we were at a Fear show. She dragged me into the bathroom and kissed me. And I was so happy, because I was thinking ‘yay, my first kiss and it’s at a show!’ But we kept going and she pushed me on the floor and got on top. So yeah, first time was on the floor of a fucking filthy bathroom at a punk club. How fucking nice and romantic, right?” Tommy took a shaky breath. “I liked it, but it still kinda pissed me off. I didn’t have any control and from then on every time I fucked a girl I had to be in control. That was my game.”
Adam whispered then. “Oh my god, she hurt you. I’m so sorry.” He went to hug Tommy and he went stiff. “Tommy?”
“She didn’t hurt me!” Tommy didn’t know why he got so defensive, but he did. “It wasn’t my idea, but I wasn’t hurt. She made it fun, I wanted to be there, but it wasn’t what I expected. And then she left me there, on the floor.” Adam bit his lip, but it didn’t stop the tears in his eyes. “You leaving hurt me a lot, but I told you that. It’s just bad memories. It seemed like everybody I fucked couldn’t wait to get rid of me-except for a few.” Tommy thought about the girl who had loved him-a shy, dark haired girl who was bulimic. A girl that he had cared about, but he had never known how to show it to her. She was long gone now, and he was never going to tell Adam how much she had in common with him.
“I know what it sounds like,” Tommy said, “But I don’t…I know what you think. No, no.” Tommy’s voice shook as he said it. “I told Cassidy, he was angry. Not at me.” Tommy could never think if it that way, because even at fourteen he was a wiry little shit and he could have pushed her off. But there was more to it than that, and Cassidy knew it. Tommy flashed back then to his fourteen year old self, and how much he’d wanted to be liked. Fucking a girl in the bathroom had been cool, so he’d gone with it. It had helped his reputation, made him look badass. Tommy remembered feeling proud at the time, but the memory made him feel hollow now.
“Of course he wasn’t-Cassidy loves you,” Adam said. “He really wants you to be okay. I do too. That’s not everything, is it?” Tommy shook his head. “Tell me. I mean, tell me what you can. I don’t want to push you. I’ve never wanted to.” Tommy nodded, because this was true. As much as it pissed him off that Adam didn’t ask many questions, Tommy knew sometimes it was just out of concern. But Adam never understood that Tommy wanted the freedom to be honest more than he wanted Adam to act safe around him. Tommy took a deep breath and kept going.
“First time with a guy-well, you were kinda my first, if we’re talking anal, but…” Tommy shut his mouth so hard his jaw clicked, he was rambling. “I was at a punk house for a while with a bunch of kids, and a band came through, we put them up. We got so fucking wasted, and after a while it was just me and the guitarist awake. We wound up giving each other blowjobs. I told him I didn’t want to swallow ‘cause I was scared, and he wanted us to. He didn’t want anyone to know. But eventually we did it and just cleaned up instead of swallowing. Then I passed out.” Tommy didn’t mind telling this story, it hurt a lot less. “Then they were gone when I woke up. I didn’t mind because he had to leave. Cassie didn’t have to leave me on that floor.”
Adam looked at him, and he looked so scared that Tommy steeled himself for Adam to walk out. Instead, Adam untwined their fingers and stroked lightly over his arm. “Did you-did you love any guys? And I’m so sorry, I didn’t know.”
“I didn’t, but...I don’t understand sometimes why I didn’t love Brent.” Tommy bit at his thumbnail. “I think he might have loved me back. None of the rest of those assholes would have.” Tommy looked at him. “I don’t know why I started with this. I mean, how come I’m not telling you about seeing my dad getting handcuffed in their living room, or how I only had a birthday because my Oma made sure I did. Or-“ Tommy had to force this out. “Tonight, at the play, I was actually looking for my goddamn mother! Why didn’t I start with any of that?”
Adam hugged him close and Tommy felt himself relax, the same reaction he had every time Adam’s body was against his. Adam rubbed his back as Tommy gasped into Adam’s shirt, glad for the soft material to his face in. Adam kept rubbing a circle on his back for a long minute, then he pulled back to look at Tommy.
“Maybe it’s because we have trouble with sex. And trust. They’re kinda mixed in with each other.” Adam brushed under Tommy’s eyes with his thumb, and Tommy let him. “I mean, in some ways we trust each other more than anybody, but sometimes…” Adam trailed off. “Can I tell you something, or do you need to say more?”
“I can wait,” Tommy said, voice hoarse. “Go ahead.” He wasn’t upset, he was glad that Adam was still with him. He wasn’t sure if he deserved it right then-he felt dirty, regretting nearly every time he got his dick in someone, and he was sure Adam would be disgusted too. But instead, Adam was the one looking ashamed.
“When that cop saw me with Brad,” Adam started, not looking at him. “He said I was ugly and nobody would love me. And that’s when things got bad-I already hated how I looked, but then it started to get out of control.” Tommy clenched his jaw to keep from offering comfort right away, he kept his mouth shut while Adam kept talking. “And I really believed him, I didn’t think anyone would ever love me, that I was too disgusting. And then…I never thought you and me would happen. Never.” Adam smiled for just a minute, and then the smile dropped off his face.
“I don’t know how to explain it-yes I do. I can, I just don’t want to admit…” Adam took a deep breath and looked down. “When I’m with you, it’s one of the only times I feel even a little bit good about my body. Or about me-I can only feel okay onstage or alone with you. Even with other people who know us, sometimes I feel like they think I just got lucky.”
“Adam,” Tommy said. “Your friends fuckin’ adore you. I thought they were going to kick my ass when I started with you, but they didn’t. They love you. They think I got lucky, trust me there.” Tommy petted Adams red-gold hair and Adam leaned into it. “You only feel good with me? But you still won’t be naked with me.”
“I know that’s what you want,” Adam said, as he moved his gaze from the couch back to Tommy. “And I want it too, and maybe I’ll be able to soon. But…I feel good making you feel good. I feel good when you let me hold you down and make you come. Fuck, it’s not much different than you wanting to control girls. I’m so sorry.” Tommy kept petting Adam’s hair as his shoulders shook.
“No. No, I don’t think it’s the same. You love me,” Tommy had to get ready for the next part. “But you do use me,” he said quietly, and Adam jumped. “I’m sorry, but I can tell when you want to fuck just to make yourself feel better, and when you’re really with me. And I hate it, I wish I couldn’t tell the different and just let you be. I mean, if that’s what you need…” Tommy almost gave it all away right then. He would let Adam continue to hurt him if it made him feel stronger. He couldn’t help it. He was anything Adam wanted him to be, just because he loved him.
Except he couldn’t do it, because Tommy knew if he did soon there would be nothing left of him for Adam to love.
“Just, please,” Tommy said. “I need you to really be with me. Okay? That’s why I freaked on you. I just felt alone in that bed, even before you left.” Tommy hugged Adam to him. “I’m so sorry. Fuck. Why are we apologizing for telling the truth?”
“I don’t know, it’s just hard,” Adam said. “And I try to trust you, I try to trust you with everything and I just drag you down.” Adam held him harder and they sat there, rocking each other for a while. After a minute, Adam whispered “I was angry at you today, because I felt like I’m always asked to change and you’re not.”
“I know,” Tommy said. “And yeah, it’s not fair. I have to stop running to help you. Can I ask what happened? Why were you puking?” Adam laughed a little, and Tommy kissed his temple. “It’s okay.”
“It’s kind of funny to me,” he said. “I binged, but it was less than half what I could eat a month ago. My body’s changed. I ate too much during the day when I thought nobody was looking, and that last Carl Jr.’s got me.” Adam gave another hollow laugh and Tommy squeezed him tighter. “I’m okay though,” Adam said. “I was nervous too-about the performance, and about doing it with you. It went a lot better than I thought. It just hurts to see you when I think we can’t touch now.” Adam paused and Tommy kissed his cheek. “Um, I’m horny now. I am every time I’m with you, I think.”
Tommy pulled back and kissed Adam, biting into his lip. “I am too. It’s the same with me.” Tommy kissed him again and pulled back, Adam chasing his mouth. “I just told you all these horrible things about what happened to me, and I still just want to be with you. I mean…you don’t hate me for them. I know you don’t.” Tommy could feel part of him think right?, but he knew the answer.
“Can’t,” Adam said. “And I love you.” Adam kissed him again, and held him. “I want you,” Adam whispered into his hair. “But I’m not gonna pressure you. And anyway, the whole family’s upstairs now. Dad’s probably listening.” Tommy was about to say that he doubted that when they heard a voice clearing at the top of the stairs. “Fuck,” Adam said, “That’s the second night in a row.”
They got up, Adam cursing under his breath, and Adam stomped upstairs past his dad before Eber could ask questions. Tommy just sat on the bottom of the stairs. “Hi,” he said. “Can I have a minute before I come up?”
“Um, sure” Eber said. “Are you all right?” Tommy nodded at him, smiling just a little. “I mean, did anything-“
“I think I’m okay, actually.” Tommy said. “Thanks for letting me stay over tonight. That’s really nice.” Eber paused at the top of the stairs, then smiled at him before stepping back, letting the door to the stairs close. Tommy wiped his eyes and waited a few minutes. He had trusted Adam again, and it had worked. Adam still loved him, and things were the best they’d been in a week.
Tommy looked up when he saw the stairway door open again. It was Adam He’d changed his shirt and washed his face so it didn’t look like they’d been crying. “Hey. Are you ready to come up? Paul just came into the driveway with your stuff. Mom’s got dinner on, we can all eat. I…wanna sit at the table. At least for a few minutes, okay?” Tommy listened to that and thought about how brave Adam was.
“Yeah, I’m coming up now,” he said, and started climbing the stairs, towards Adam’s smile.